


questionable uses of rings of power

by xerampelinae



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Universe Alterations, rule 63! frodo baggins, unusual historical euphemisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 15:46:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8897878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xerampelinae/pseuds/xerampelinae
Summary: Coda to the Lord of the Rings in which the One Ring is carried (ahem) somewhat differently.





	

“Oh, my uncle did once mention some unusual uses for the Ring,” Frodo says.

“What,” says the wizard formerly known as Gandalf the Grey. Gimli has a moment of unhappy anticipation before managing to locate a cask of strong, dwarvish ale that will not stop his ears but happily, prevent him from retaining whatever fell knowledge is soon to be dispersed. Unwisely, Legolas observes Gimli’s unusual behavior but fails to act appropriately.

“Oh, yes,” Frodo says. “Once I was a bit older, Uncle told me of dwarvish piercing habits. Not the sort of thing that can be expected to stay concealed on the road. If old Bilbo knew what we know now, I have no doubt that he’d joke of it as the Cock Ring of Doom. You have to be a certain amount of wild to stay Mad Baggins as long as Bilbo did, and doubtless buggering outsiders would work a charm for that.”

At this, the table breaks out into a fervor that only quiets when Gimli drains his tankard and slams it down on the table.

“Lass,” Gimli says, reluctantly, morbidly curious, “you don’t mean to tell us that you learned how to, er, carry the ring in secrecy from your old uncle Bilbo?”

Frodo blinks, “Oh, not in the way you’re thinking of! But I had trouble when I began my monthly courses, and it’s not like I could have asked my mother or--Yavanna forbid--Lobelia. Bilbo told me that dwarrowdams have a different way of handling the issue, which itself lead to the method of concealment.”

“You’re lucky that the Ring did not poison you, as some metal tend to,” Gimli says, then drains his tankard halfway as if to banish the thought from his mind. Legolas looks similarly discomfited and takes possession of the remainder of the brew.

“I am sure,” Gandalf says unwillingly, “that the Dark Lord chose the highest grade of gold he could find, out of pride, if nothing else.” Then he took a swallow of wine and winced when he found it was not as strong as he might have liked.

“The Enemy never had a chance,” Merry says brightly.

“To my garden and all it carried in secrecy,” says Frodo, and the Hobbits happily toasted over the table. The rest of the Fellowship fell deeply into their cups and never mentioned the night’s topic again; if they at all remembered, they never spoke of it, to bar the thoughts from the forefront of their minds.

**Author's Note:**

> I was very sad and kinda sick and wrote this to cheer myself up. This originally came from an idea that Roommate (bro you're awesome) kindly discussed with me idk how long ago, and eventually we made our way from "the cock ring of doom" to "it doesn't count as wearing the ring if it's in your vagina, right?"
> 
> I regret that I could not work in menstrual euphemisms like "strawberry week" or "madcow disease". But "garden" comes from a vagina euphemism "garden of delight". I bow to dwarven piercing habits and potential Victorian discomfort with sexuality except for liberal hobbit youths (&Bilbo because does Mad Baggins give a fuck?)


End file.
